YOUR McMURRAY SIX-ON/SIX-OFF

It’s one of the two firsts that should stay with you for the rest of your life. Even if it was bad it is still embedded in your mind, along with several ancillary thoughts: I wonder where she is? I wonder if we could have gone further? I wonder why I don’t do it more often nowadays?

OFF: Something that shrivelled me for five years #2muchtongue.

She attacked me like she was auditioning for the cast of a Zombie movie. I can still imagine the taste of the cheap white wine she’d been glugging all afternoon as she slurped all over my tender, innocent sixteen-year-old mouth. The worst part? She was older than my mother.

2. Dating

ON: The frisson of excitement and anticipation.

Y-e-s, she said yes. I’m so happy, oh so happy, is she really going going out with me? I have my new after shave on, the expensive stuff that’s kept behind the counter at the drug store. Now if only we can get to the Keg before the snowstorm hits, we might make the late show at the movies. Happy, happy dance. Life is good.

OFF: Am I gettin’ any tonight?

Fifth damn date, average approximately $150.00 a time and for what? It took three dates to get a peck on the cheek - all she did was shake my hand after the first two. What the hell’s the matter? I’m not that bad looking. I’ve a good job with good shifts, and I clean under my nails before I pick her up. I even dusted off the passenger seat of the company truck. I tell ya, some of those Backpage.com adverts are starting to look good.

3. Valentine’s Day

ON: A reminder of love.

This is the day the women like to brag about. It’s all ‘what he bought me, where he took me, how much he loves me, how he surprised me’. Guys, it’s in the calendar and it’s a sure thing. Spend some money and she’ll think you’re romantic. It’s that simple there should be one a month.

OFF: A retail rip-off.

It’s a greeting card holiday named after one of many Saint Valentines, who may or may not have been martyred over the idea of love. It is also a commercial rip off and if she really loves you she’ll admire your prudence at waiting until the 15th to buy her roses, the ones on sale. C’mon, you don’t need one day to tell her you love her. That’s every day, right?

4. Marriage

ON: The ultimate loving commitment.

Marriage is the socially acceptable signal to the world. “Yes I have found the woman of my dreams and I wish to commit to her for life. To prove this, I will submit myself to the most hellish ordeal on Earth, the planning of a wedding. At the end of this, if I survive, I will have proved my love for ever more, and I will be a broken man.”

OFF: An archaic sexist tradition.

We don’t need a piece of paper to prove our love for each other. In fact, it’s stronger for not being ratified by some government or religious institution. And one day, when we want our children to be perfect little teenagers, we’ll neglect to tell them why we have no wedding photos and why rule one of parenting is ‘Do as we say, not as we do.’

5. Living together

ON: The first flush of romance.

It’s romantic to want to be with her all the time, plus why pay two rents? Juggling around each other as you get to know your partner and come to feel like a true couple is what moving in is all about, plus the sex is great for the first while, as it all feels just a little bit deliciously naughty.

OFF: A legal nightmare to untangle.

Suddenly six months come and go and if it doesn’t work you’re trapped in a legal hellhole you didn’t see coming. Why is she entitled to half my kayak? She’s never even used it. And the 60 inch TV is mine. Sadly, when the romance goes, the meanness can start and as nothing was defined beforehand, breaking up from shacking up is sometimes worse than a divorce.

6. Love

ON: The ultimate human condition.

It means never having to say you’re sorry, it makes the world go round, is blind, should be set free and is all around. It is the foundational concept for all religions, (love one another), and without the ability to love and be loved the world would be a dreary dull place.

OFF: A word men say to get lucky.

It’s not all around, it’s dead and buried. This a dog eat dog world. Say it by all means if it gets you what you want, but don’t think love exists unless you are talking about self-love, the love and infatuation of me-myself-I. Believe this if you will, as long as you know that if you say it too often, in the end self love is all that you’ll have to look forward to. Hope you’re handy at it.