Lifestyle(Archives)

Oct
01
2014
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Michael Jesso's Fabulous, Derailed

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THE PLANE ...THE PLANE....had barely left the lips of air traffic control when a private Gulfstream G-IV swooped down out of the sky and made contact with the Fort McMurray tarmac.

Facebook, Twitter and Instagram were abuzz with pictures and sightings. At first glance everyone said the same thing: A) What’s he doing here? B) Why does he look like that ...and C) Is that really him? It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t read YMM Magazine; he could have taken some of my regular grooming tips into consideration, and I would have personally made him an appointment with Gemma at Tommy Guns to straighten out his wig and give him a nice hot shave.

We found out why he was here. Turns out he loves nature in spite of what it’s done to him in recent years. Or so he says anyways. He publicly stated, “They drill, they extract, making trillions of dollars. We must fight to keep this carbon in the ground.” But just as he’s shown the public in recent years, he is a walking, talking, flying hypocrite. Or maybe he is really just looking for a deal on JET A, the fuel his private jet burns at a rate of 467 gallons per hour. That really would make more sense.

Leo took it all in while he was here: toured Suncor, ate at Prime, oh and called up Phoenix Heli Flight for a good aerial view of the oil sands. I mean really, what’s another 221 litres of Jet A fuel per hour when you’re trying to prove to the world that they need to keep carbon in the ground? Well when that wasn’t enough he said onward and upward, get that jet started up and let it idle, I want the AC nice and cold for my trip to Fort Chip. You can almost hear the gulp, gulp, gulp sound in the back of your mind as you read this can’t you?

While I can’t comment too much on what he did up in Fort Chip while he was there, I do know he took the Ice Bucket Challenge (I mean why stop at wasting just one natural resource when you’re on a roll, right?), but beyond that, not much was reported. He did take a boat trip though, and this was one of the funniest comments I’ve ever read: someone’s auntie said, “He’s gonna freeze on the boat. Hope someone puts a parka on him,” to which the nephew replied , “f&%@ sakes! He was in the ocean holding onto a door, I’m sure he could handle Lake Athabasca.” Priceless!!!

Now if all this hypocrisy isn’t enough, it gets better and you have to ask yourself whose side is he really on. Leo, in the past few years, has been given exclusive use of the number five superyacht in the world. The $710-million 482 ft Topaz is owned by Sheike Mansour from the royal family of Abu Dahbi, who just happens to own International Petroleum Investment Company, whose business portfolio reads, OIL, OIL, OIL, CHEMICAL THIS, CHEMICAL THAT, OIL, OIL, OIL. Leo has thrown fabulous Halloween parties, and just this past summer used it for him and his friends to watch the world cup. I watched the World Cup at the Brewpub and I can tell you I didn’t have two 7990 HP diesels running in the basement. I don’t exactly know how much diesel that thing burns in a hour but you can bet it’s a tad higher than your Jetta TDI, actually leaps and bounds higher than a 797 haul truck. Whose side are you really on Leo? For someone claiming to want to keep carbon in the ground you sure do a great job of putting it in the air, but then again you are an actor, so maybe you’re just acting. Perhaps this is your best performance yet.

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MICHAEL JESSO

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